The tale of the rat and the bathroom.

January 15, 2009 at 6:46 am (Uncategorized)

I should warn you, I dont summarize well. This will be long, but I promise it is necessary for the full effect.

I have one bathroom in my house. In this bathroom, I have a jacuzzi tub. The jacuzzi tub has this little panel that is removable so you can get underneath it in case it breaks (Im assuming. I didnt design jacuzzi tubs, so I really dont know the reason).

Well, one frightening morning, I was in the bathroom straightening my hair, the house was silent, not a creature was stirring, not even a…EEEEK! There is something SCRATCHING on the panel in my bathtub! I immediately jump up and down (I have this insane fear that a rodent will run up your legs and into your open screaming mouth if given the opportunity…so I can NOT leave my feet on the ground) and fling my hairbrush towards the bathtub, run out, shut the door, and call my mom. (I have no idea why the hell I called my mother. She is no help. Anybody that knows my mother would know she would just tell me to grow some balls and get over it) Gooooood thing my straightener shuts itself off after a certain length of time because I was SO not going back in there that morning.

Fast forward to…this morning. I am in the bathroom, this time brushing my teeth, and whatever that thing is FLUNG its body into my bathtub. I mean, I practically heard the fucker crack its back. I swear on everything you have never heard a grown woman shriek like I did this morning. That thing sounded HUGE. I mean…for all I know, it could be a coyote living in there. We do have those in California, you know? I run out, shut the door (again) and did not go in there all day. Left the bathroom light on and everything. Just couldnt do it.

So, its now 10 PM. About two hours ago, I realized I have to pee. Like…bad. I also kind of have a funky smell going on, and realize that showering is probably a good idea. I have GOT to get in that bathroom…but how? So, I call my mom again. (I’m thinking I need more people in my contacts on my cell phone).

‘Mom…remember the rat/coyote/peeping tom/rodent thing? Its in my bathroom again. Can you stay on the phone with me while I go in there?’

‘Uhh, suuuuuuuure.’

I grab a mop. (That would be Shrek’s weapon of choice, you know, in case any of you crazy asses decide to break into my house…watch out…) I crack open the door, just a tad, and Oh. My. Lord. The panel is knocked off and on the floor. Shut the door.

‘Mooooom! I cant go in THERE!! The paneling is knocked off! What do I do?’

‘Pee in the kitchen sink and wash your hair with dish soap. Good luck. (Click)’

^^^ Told you she was a lot of help.

So, I get online and browse the BHB…try to keep my mind off my bladder, you know? Ok…Seriously…its really getting hard not to pee my pants now. Im doing a little dance while I read. ‘Dont pee. Dont pee. Im not gonna pee my pants…okay, I AM gonna pee my pants…’ I have GOT to get in there.

Apparently my pee jig was disrupting my childs sleep, because the older one woke up. I’ll call him…Breakdance (I’ll explain later). So Breakdance wakes up, and says ‘I’ll protect you from the rat’ as he grabs two plastic hammers and walks towards the bathroom door. ‘Im Sharkboy and you are Lava Girl…we can do this…’

YESSSS! I’m thinking. I knew I raised him right! (Its probably really awful of me that I was willing to sacrifice my first born to a rodent, huh? In my defense, I am DEATHLY allergic to rodents…he could have maybe gotten bit…where as I would have probably died).

We get to the bathroom door, he looks at me, raises one eyebrow and says ‘Are you CRAZY?! I’m not going in THERE! I’m just the kid…YOU’RE the mom!’ (did I mention Breakdance takes after his momma, and is a total chicken shit? No? Well he does, and he is. *sigh*) I try for another 10 minutes to convince him to man up and go in there (awful, I know. Im allergic though…remember that) but he wont.

Here goes nothing, Im going in…

BUT FIRST, I have to protect myself. I need full body armor for this mission. I put ugg boots on (to protect my feet), tuck my jeans into them (so the rodent cant run up my jeans), take my hooded sweatshirt and pull it over my hands (I dont want that fucker to bite off one of my cute little fingers!) and put the hood over my head. For the final touch, I take the little drawstring things on my hood, and pull them as tight as possible, to protect my gorgeous face from any crazy rodent teeth. The only thing visible on my entire body were my beady little eyes. (note to the readers: in case you *god forbid* ever find yourself in this situation, do not pull your hood so tight over your eyes that only your eyeballs are exposed, it completely blocks your vision, thus making you even more likely to get attacked by the animal). I take my hands (that are wrapped in my sweatshirt) and grab the mop…I open the door…

Nothing. Where is the rat-coyote? Nowhere to be found. All of the waiting and miserable hours holding my urine for nothing. I put the panel back on the bathtub (which was a whole ‘nother adventure in itself) and take an entire case of steno paper (which I am certain weighs at least half of what I weigh) and block off the panel so it cant be knocked off again. I defeated the rodent!

And I peed. Holy urethra! I peeeeeed! Ahhh, it felt good. Next I should shower.

Oddly enough, this isnt my only rat story. I have another.ย I will write about it in the future.ย Brace yourself.

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14 Comments

  1. Chelsie/tenderlovinforyou said,

    Oh Shrek. Shrek, Shrek, Shrek. Where the heck is Fred? You killed him I know it. He just didn’t disappear!

  2. Hope said,

    I love you! That was the funniest thing I’ve ever read! You give awesome visuals!

  3. Kelli said,

    That was a great story!!! Loved it!

  4. Holly said,

    Haha!! I love it! That was some entertaining right there!

  5. tara said,

    So did you ever actually SEE the rat-coyote? He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him… but he can pee while he runs away from you. And rat-coyotes chew thru paper… so he wins. ๐Ÿ˜›

  6. Marie said,

    Bwahahahaha LMFAO priceless. I could see this playing out in my head as I was reading it.

  7. thisishowiroll said,

    Did I SEE it?! Oh HECK NO! I would have died if I saw it. Died. The only thing saving my sanity is that I’ve convinced myself it could maybe, possibly be a cute little baby rabbit in there and not a vicious rat-coyote.

    And I have added onto my rat blocking contraption so that there is no escape. I have the steno paper (which is 50 pads, wrapped in plastic, in a cardboard box), my laundry basket, a baby bathtub and some shoe boxes in front of the paneling. And the mop is sitting on the outside of the bathroom door…

    …just in case.

  8. AKBD said,

    LMAO That’s awesome….ok not really! We have a rodent problem here and my dh thinks I am nuts because I won’t go into my pantry or basement anymore. I don’t care. rodents are nasty!! I always send my 6yo son in for the things I need…he doesn’t care (but he also hasn’t seen one yet either…lol) and thinks he’s all tough…lol

  9. Heather said,

    I think I almost peed myself just reading the story.

  10. Domestic Engineer said,

    OMFG! I can’t stop laughing!! Glad you got the panel back on ๐Ÿ˜›

  11. ConcreteBlonde said,

    HAHAHA!! I’m just envisioning you with that mop and your sweatshirt pulled over your face, trying to be brave and hold back the urine. I hope the ratcoyote never comes back to your house! Now, I have to pee..

  12. Lori said,

    Very funny! Consider yourself bookmarked.

  13. Amanda said,

    Mannnnnnnnn…. your kids make you watch Sharkboy and Lavagirl too? That movie is so freaking stupid! (well, after the 100th or so time it is!)

    Very funny story! You know – he probably crawled under the door of the bathroom and is now hiding in your bed… Just sayin’….

    ๐Ÿ™‚

  14. Irish said,

    ROFLMBO! Been there done that but the rat-bastard was in our KITCHEN!
    SCREAMING JEEBIES!
    Get some rat poison so they’ll go die w/ their kin-folk somewhere else. ๐Ÿ˜‰

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